Do I love you ? 5 & The End

I sat propped up in the bed. The IVs and plaster that aided in keeping my broken bones intact, restricted my movement. This is the longest time I have been sentient. Earlier, I kept flitting in and out of consciousness, each time I was conscious I saw a kaleidoscope of faces.
The melee of family, friends and colleagues had just left. I felt exhausted from recounting my accident to each one of them. How the car in front of me swerved, hit my car, and my car went spinning to hit a pole, like a pack of dominos. It happened too fast to comprehend.
What seemed more incomprehensible,was Shaurya's presence. When I first saw her in my hospital room, I thought I was once again in the comfortably numb oblivion.
Nobody knew of the incident at the airport or the spat at the cafe, but everybody knew Shaurya and I were best friends, therefore it was decided she would stay in the hospital to take care of me. I would have liked my brother to stay, but then he had to take care of my parents' health concerns.
I brooded over the possibility of Shaurya having amnesia, despite I was the one who hit their head. Her charade of fussing over me was quite good. It didn't give any sign of strain between us. I decided to play along. Secretly, I was glad she was here. It also puzzled me. She was days away from her wedding. Why was she here ?
"So, big day coming up. Huh... ?" I asked handing my bowl of bland soup to her. The question threw her off. She weighed the situation gingerly. The topic of wedding had been diplomatically avoided.
"Yeah... Here, take your medicines." She averted her eyes from me.
"Shaurya, we need to resolve things." I pressed on. "What happened that evening shouldn't have happened, I lost my temper, but I feel I wasn't wrong in getting angry. I never got an explanation, which I believe I have the right to." I spoke in a single breath.
"Where do I start from ?" Shaurya said with an air of defeat.
"Logan. Why is this happening ? How did he drop from the blue ? I... You hardly know him."
"I may not know him much but I know him enough to know he's the one I would like to end up with. I am myself with him, unbridled, for he loves me in spite of all the things I hold against myself."
In spite of all the things !!! Again, that self deprecating behavior of Shaurya. I hope she's in love and not in gratitude. Why can't she see how worthy she is...I'm worthy of her. My thoughts wandered again. I'm being sulky, note to self.  "And... you didn't feel the same way for me. Never ? The time we spent, the love you confessed. Was it all a farce ? "
"No... It was real but when you constantly remind yourself that the person you love has no obligation to love you back without getting bitter about it, because you cherish the person, there comes a time when you become immune from the pain, fall out of love. Literature and songs might make a virtue out of unrequited love, but I now know better. Yes, I loved you but with passage of time, I fell out of love, but then Logan came and revived those feelings of love. I wish I could put a finger on what I like about Logan. His honest-to-God ways. He's respectful. He's funny. He's empathetic. but then I could meet someone else who has the same attributes.There's something more.... he's the manifestation of my wish to know unadulterated love."
"Why are you here then ? Go back to your wedding." My voice rose.
"Not with you in this state."
"I don't want anybody's pity."
"This isn't pity, there's something called friendship." She was aghast.
"The problem is, I don't want just friendship, I want more..."
"I can't love the way you want me to love you. Maybe in the right time you'll find the person who loves you back, the way you deserve to be loved."
"I found the right girl, alright." I snorted " I found the right girl at the right time. She loved me at the wrong and it seems so did I. I loved her at the wrong time." I was in no mood to be conveniently benevolent.
" I didn't want to hurt you."
"But, you still did..." Was that snarky Ardaas.
"Is there anyway I could redeem myself ?"
I knew the answer to that. "Stay. Don't go back.Will you ?"
Shaurya gasped and then her eyes went vacant. "I won't, if you don't want me to." She muttered after a long, excruciating silence.
"What then ? Will you forget Logan ? Would you marry me ? Would you love me ? Can you love me ?"
Silence. Again. Excruciating. Again. The silence was like going after horizons, endless and futile. I knew the answer. I know a lost cause, when I see one. I loved her, but I had to let her go. This might be the only way I could show I truly loved her. "Go back, Shaurya. Go back."
"What ?" She blinked away her tears.
"Go back to Logan. I might lose you forever, if I ask you to stay. I will retain the friendship, if you leave."
She looked at me with amazement, she wanted to say something, but I interrupted her. "I don't want any melodrama. Leave before you miss your flight."
" Are you sure ?"
"Yes. I am. Go. "
" I guess, then I got to go." She stood up.
"Shaurya, Do I have a chance to pull off an Akshay Kumar from Namastey London ? "
She smiled and shook her head with amusement. " Goodbye, Ardaas." She kissed me in my forehead.
" Just a plain, simple goodbye. No fancy languages. Who are you ?"
"Adios, mi compadre." She gave an exaggerated wave.
"Adios." I called out and then she was gone. " Mi amor." I finished. " My love."
Yes, I loved her. I loved her when I met her at their first wedding anniversary. I loved her even on her 8th anniversary. I loved her when she set me up with the girl, I ended up being married to. I loved Shaurya a little less, when I came home late one night and found my wife, Ambar waiting for me. I loved Shaurya a little less, when I held my little one with Ambar. I loved her, when her book continued to be in the list of bestsellers for 24 straight months. I loved her even when Shaurya became less and less of her sprightly self. I loved her as she clasped my hand while I read her a poem, as she drifted off to eternal sleep, never to wake up again.
I loved her a little less,
With each passing day;
But I loved her.
Nonetheless.

*********************************************************************************

I was the first groom in history, who didn't know if he was going to be married by the end of the day. Shaurya had said she would come, but here I was, dressed to the best, standing at altar. One more minute, and I would declare this wedding off. As I cleared my throat to draw the attention of guests, piano notes started playing rhythmically. Wait... the piano tones were from the song Shaurya had decided to walk the aisle to, Thousand Years by Christina Perri.  As I looked to the archway, there she was. Dressed in an exquisite ivory wedding dress, looking as beautiful as always. Naah... better, if that was possible. As she reached the altar, Christina Perri intoned, 'I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more.' I knew Shaurya felt the same way, she had sung me this song countless times. Soon, I forgot all my misgivings about her coming precariously  late. I was simply glad to be standing in front of her, knowing I am standing with my portal to blissful future.
"You look very comely, miss." I whispered in an exaggerated Irish accent as the minister gave a little speech. "So do you sir." She beamed.

"I, Shaurya Suri, take Logan James Ryan to be my lawfully wedded husband. I solemnly vow to love, honor and cherish you. I love you for the person you are, accepting you wholeheartedly with all your virtues and all your flaws. I will support you in all your goals and dreams. I will share your joys and sorrows. I will be your solace whenever life is rough. I vow to always strive to be the person, you fell in love with. I promise you my loyalty. I vow to uphold these vows till time ceases to exist."
"I, Logan James Ryan, take Shaurya Suri, to be my lawfully wedded wife. I solemnly vow to be your constant friend and faithful companion. I promise to love you unconditionally, forsaking all others, through the good times and the bad times. I promise to protect you and your dreams. I swear to stand by you through the storms of life, aspiring to be your anchor and shelter. I vow that I will safegaurd and hold dear and deep in my heart our union and you. All that is mine is now yours. I give you my love, my loyalty, my faith and respect from this moment on till infinity and beyond."

As we danced to Michael Buble's Sway, Shaurya nuzzled me. " I am so happy right now. I wish the evening freezes."
"Don't you worry, love. We will have more such happy evenings and even better nights." I winked at her salaciously. Before Shaurya could react, I gave a cue to the DJ, and he played Mirrors by Justin Timberlake at which I broke into a  solo dance, right in front of the surprised guests while Shaurya smile bemusedly.

I kept my vows intact, and so did Shaurya. I loved her when she smoothly ingratiated herself to my family. I loved her when she put up or rather adored my unconventional ways. I loved her when we cuddled, Kevin and Heidi, our twins. I loved her for her unflinching support as I flitted from one profession to another. I loved her for her patience when I developed Parkinson's disease and wasn't efficient as I used to be. I loved her when I wrote my final poem, for her. I loved her as I stood by her bedside, invisible to everybody else but her, while Ardaas read her my poem, waiting to walk together into oblivion. Even death couldn't do us apart.

                                                           The End

Do I love you ? 4

If the Emerald Isle is at zenith of its beauty in spring, winter doesn't take much away from it. The orange canopy of trees and green shamrock carpet gives way to white snow.
On one such winter, Logan and I embarked on a road trip across Ireland. As the days had turned colder, the bond between us had become warmer and stronger. Our shared love of travel led to the trip. The barrenness was soothing as we drove along the countryside.
"You know, I, my brother and my Dad used to take these kind of trips." Muttered Logan, lost in nostalgia. "We weren't overtly affectionate but these drives helped us bond." Turning to me Logan said, "What about you ? I know India too has got some great places. Where have you been with your family ? I am sure you had great time with them."
"Family..." I gave a derisive snort. " They showed their love by spending money on me and I showed my love by spending as less as I can. That's the only display of affection we were capable of."
Logan gave me quizzical look. At times like these I wish my self censorship was efficient.
"Eyes on road, Logan. We don't want ourselves on top of a willow."
"Yes. And you were saying..." He prodded.
"Let's not go into grim things." I smiled dismissively.
We drove in silence for a few minutes, then Logan spoke gently. "Actually, let's go into grim things and tackle them. What ails you, love ?"
I sat calculating my next move. Should I or Shouldn't I ? I had never treaded these paths with anyone except  Ardaas. Can I extend the same courtesy to Logan ? In spite of my apprehension, i decided to be confessional. Something about Logan aided me to be. For the next couple of hours or so, I spoke. I spoke about the emotional abandonment that had pervaded my existence. I spoke of Ardaas who alleviated this state. At the end of my tirade I was in tears and to some extent embarrassed.
"I am sorry Logan." I sniffled.
"What for ?" He said consoling. " Look at me..."
"No. Don't. I am such a mess right now." I turned away from him.
"Mess... I thought we were untangling you." He brought the car to a halt on the side of the road and cupped my face. "Look at me...You are a woman of strength, courage and dignity. One who values herself and fights for what she believes in. A woman who won't give up on her dreams regardless of how many obstacles stand in her way. If that doesn't make you beautiful and magnificent, I don't know what does."
At this little speech, I felt a strange yet familiar tug at heartstrings. I had longed to hear and feel what I did now.

"And now we enter Mullingar... Home sweet home." Logan smirked.
I could see where Logan got the warmth and vivacity from. In no time I was ensconced in his family comprising of his parents, his brother, his sister-in-law and his baby nephew. I was glad to be part of their Christmas and New Year revelries.
On the last night of our stay at Logan's home, Logan and I sat on the terrace, star gazing.
"Back to Dublin tomorrow." Logan sighed. "We have to drop Mum at the airport. She leaves for London."
"Ohh... Has she got some work there ?"
"No." He smiled. "She stays there."
"Your mother stays in London, your Dad here. It must be irksome for them."
"Why should it be ? They have been living like this ever since the divorce."
"Ohh... I didn't know. It didn't seem like..."
"They are divorced." Logan finished the sentence for me. "Yeah, they do a pretty job at appearing otherwise. They were best friends, or so people say. Marriage was inevitable but the problem was they could never give each other the rights of a spouse. The froze at being just friends. They started resenting each other. They resented me and my brother. They resented anything that had to do anything with their marriage. For the greater good, they separated. They fell out of love...." After some minutes of rueful silence, he added " I hope we don't fall out of love."
"Huh !!!" It already was too much to take in without the firecracker he just burst.
"Oh... My bad. That was non-sequitur. I love you, Shaurya. I hope we stay in love."
"Huh..." I sounded dumb but in my defense I was in a state of disbelief.
"Oh ! Come on ! Haven't you felt something... something more than friendship between us."
"I did but I thought..." I was talked over by Logan.
"I had told you, if I was ever in love, you would be the first one to know. So here I let you know, I love you."
I always knew, even before I had met Logan, if I end up with anybody it had to be someone precisely like Logan. Logan came and gave a name and a face to my desires and aspirations. At that moment I knew, I just knew, the answer couldn't be anything else but, "I love you too."

*********************************************************************************
Five months out of the college and I was an assistant editor at a publishing house and Logan was the content editor of a lifestyle magazine, working at two opposite ends of London. Our work schedules gave us much less time, than we liked, to be with each other.
I sat at a Parisian style cafe waiting for Logan for a date.
"Shaurya Suri." Someone called out to me, which didn't sound like Logan at all.
"Ardaas Randhawa... Remember me ?" I was surprised to see Ardaas beaming few tables away from me.
"You... How come you're here ?"
"I am fine. Thank you for asking." he rolled his eyes. "I had a medical convention here and also I came to take you back since you weren't..."
"Missed you so much love..." Logan gathered me in a swept-off-the-ground hug and let go off me with a kiss. I hadn't noticed Logan coming. He flopped in the chair next to mine.
I glanced at Ardaas' baffled face. I was just about to explain myself when I saw realization flit across his face.
"Why didn't you tell me about your boyfriend Shaurya ?" He seemed calm but I could sense the cold fury simmering. "Why didn't you tell me ?" He added more forcefully this time.
"I had been waiting for your answer since last year. I had wanted a simple a answer. Either a yes or no. I repeatedly told you, your no wouldn't change anything." He dropped all pretense of calmness now. "I am a fool. I'm a fool for interpreting your silence as indecisiveness. I hoped your indecisiveness would tilt to a yes, weighing all the things we have been through together. I hoped for us, but I got this." He motioned his hand indicating Logan and me. "Why ?" He looked crestfallen.
I couldn't answer him. I was squarely at fault.I could never muster the courage to discuss the change with him.
"You could have told me at least for the sake of friendship. We are... No... No... We were friends." He approached me with a menacing stride, but he was interrupted by Logan.
"Mister..." Logan's voice was both placating and reproachful.
"I advise you to stay out of it. You know nothing about us." Ardaas growled.
"I know everything that has transpired between you two." Logan retorted.
"Wow...Shaurya." Ardaas looked flustered. "You could discuss me with him but you could not mention him to me. I am not wrong when I say we were friends. That's my place and thanks for showing it to me."
Ardaas left the place in a huff and that was the last I saw or heard of him for a long while.

*********************************************************************************
"Chocolate, it is." I said with an air of finality.
"Good Lord ! Shaurya, this is cake is for a wedding not a 7 year old's birthday. Let's have alternate layers of rum and orange."
I shook my head in disapproval.
We were at a confectionery, deciding on our wedding cake, a week away from the wedding day.
"Or..." Logan continued " We could have alternate layers of orange and chocolate."
I mimed barfing.
"Come on ! What person doesn't like the combination of orange and chocolate." exclaimed Logan.
Before I could comeback with a saucy answer, my phone rang.
"Hello, Miss Shaurya ? Dr. Raman here. Your friend and my colleague Dr. Ardaas had an almost fatal car accident. I thought I should inform you, since the two of you are good friends. If you could come down to be with..."
" I am coming." I rushed out with a confused Logan at tow.

"You will come back. Right ?" Logan asked gingerly while helping me with my bags. He had come to see me off at the airport as I was leaving for India to see Ardaas.
"I don't see any other way of this panning out than me coming back." I reassured him. "Let the cake be chocolate and Au revoir mon amor." I kissed him goodbye.

To be continued...

Yeh Humare Culture Mein Nahin Chalta

The Badaun Rape Incident has yet again brought to light the brutality that only humans are capable of and the morbid effects of misogyny and caste-ism in India and since it was not enough a smilar incident happened in Sitapur, UP. One would think after the perpetrators of the Nirbhaya incident and Shakti Mill incident were convicted and were awarded death sentences, it would deter gender-biased crimes. Well, that is what people were hoping for. The denizens of India bayed for the blood of those criminals, and rightly so. How wrong were we ! How wrong we were to think that hanging, considered to be the most severe of punishments meted out by the Indian judiciary, would solely impede gender biased crimes. Back in 2004, a person named Dhananjay was given the capital punishment for the rape and murder of Hetal Parekh , but crimes of these kind still continued to happen.

Where did we go wrong ? Let me answer that for you.

A few days back disturbed by these incidents, its frequency of occurrence and the irresponsible and callous behavior of the politicians, I Google-ed 'What's wrong with Indian men ?' One of the the search results threw up an interview of Goan men, concerning the rape and subsequent murder of a foreign national in one of Goa's beaches. The girl was a teenager on a vacation, on that particular unfortunate night she was apparently drunk and apparently wearing inappropriate clothing. They thought it was the fault of the girl, because she was alone and too friendly with strangers [ Read: Flirting or Enticing gullible men, I think this is what the interviewee wanted to convey] He said it might have been appropriate back at her country but " यह हमारे कल्चर में नहीं चलता। " [ This is not part of our culture ]

I wondered, "क्या चलता है  फिर हमारे कल्चर में ?" [ What does our culture entail ? ]

What kind of culture are we obliging to ? One that fails to honor human dignity, the basic, innate dignity. One that allows  XY chromosome to be somehow superior to the XX chromosome. Why ? Because an archaic law written by someone called Manu, a mythical progenitor of humanity wrote so. Why after eons do we follow those obsolete laws ? Are we not rational or analytic enough ? Why aren't we analytic ? Why do we fear so much to break away from rules when it clearly doesn't serve it's purpose in the changing times ? 

As per my perceptions, rules should serve as guidelines and not be bindings. Break the rules that doesn't honor a human or humanity.

Ironically, honor too has acquired a new meaning. Honor has been merged with vanity for the convenience of some people. In the interiors of Northern India, if you don't accept a person's choice of spouse, you can kill them and term that as 'Honor Killing'. 

Why the need to kill ? He/She married a person of another caste/creed/religion/gender or because he/she acted on his/her own will ? यह हमारे कल्चर में नहीं चलता। 

One can kill another in cold-blood, their own blood, who they were supposed to love and protect, an action that would find itself in the category of inhumane, thus making you something less of a human. [No, not a beast or animal, they by nature are incapable of such acts, maybe those people are something worse than them] yet they would all like to be called honorable men. Love and freedom are too inconsequential compared to the family name, the vanity of it and the supposed respect their dynasty commands in the society. 

Why is that only innocents suffer while guilty live without guilt ?

Another testament to the above statement are people who had been subjected to sexual assault.

The assault would be blamed on Chinese fast food, mobiles, globalization, clothes, the girl but never, never ever on the real cause, that people specifically some men can't control their lust. They have been conditioned not to because since when have women and their opinions been respected. Women they talk, sorry gab too much. It need not to be taken into consideration.

The assault is blamed on clothes, "It was revealing. She brought it upon herself." Seemingly, men's integrity and ethics are so volatile that a few inches of cloth more or less in your attire can make you a siren and a potential target to vent out their lust. If this is a criteria, then children and people in rural areas that wear what is deemed to be appropriate attire should be spared from this ghastly crime but I  don't see that happening. Therefore, I want the statement to be edified that wearing exposing clothes exposes females to the risk of sexual violation. The statement cannot be edified because its faulty, without any iota of truth in it.

The assault is blamed on modernization, "Rapes happen in India, it doesn't happen in Bharat." Modernization challenges our age old tradition. The age old tradition that makes the women of house to be quarantined in house, cooking, breeding, cleaning. Even if the women is educated, she would end up with these responsibilities, why spend money on education, this is the general idea most have. What they fear is education of females would bring  home the fact that they ought to be treated better. They can and should have opinions, express them and act upon them. They can earn, earn more and be independent. The non-adherence to the patriarchal system scares them. It means people who benefit from suppression would lose their power and power has always been a temptation for mankind.
The assault is blamed on girls, suggesting that they were suggestive. I don't understand what kind of behavior is deemed suggestive. Even if she was flirting which is not immoral if done for fun, when she says no to sexual advances, she means no, a resounding NO. Women cannot be polite to strangers or smile at them lest the innocent gesture is considered to be flirtatious. Neither drinking, nor being out, late at night should make her a target.

I don't wish wish to convey that all are misogynistic, many are brought up in a gender neutral, one that doesn't conform to gender stereotypes, loving, respectful environment and some go on to become exemplary people but those that don't agree with changing times have disrespectful and violent ways to put forth their disapproval. They distort the meaning of culture.
Recently Article 377 that deals with homosexuality has come under scrutiny because the Supreme Court of India did not repeal it. Homosexuality is looked down upon, it is thought to be a contagious disease, some disorder. Me thinks, homophobia has its root in the exaltation of machismo, anything that is not a MAN, is thought to be weak. "A man loving a man, shameful ! A woman loving a woman, don't we, the men have the right over them."  The homophobes argue that it is not the natural way for a person to with the same gender, who is to decide what is natural and what is not. Why should any civilized person bother herself/himself with what other people do in their privacy or who they chose to love. That's why, often homosexuals are bullied, mentally and physically.

Let us not live with misinterpretation of culture. Let's look into the eye of the problem and call a spade, a spade. Let's not brush the problems under the carpet of tradition and culture. Let us change for better because nothing is bigger than simple goodness.
ज़मीर बदलते हैं, हालात खुद-ब-खुद  बदल जाएंगे।
Violence has always been a weapon of choice for oppression. Let's move away from violence, violence is never an answer to get things done one own's way. Children should be inculcated with the idea that both the genders are equal, and one should be considerate towards another no matter how different the person is from one's own self. I don't expect an overnight change but we all can work towards a better future.

Here I would leave with an endearing scene from Swades that suggests what should be our attitude towards our traditions and culture.

  LET'S RAISE THE SONS BETTER, SO THAT THE DAUGHTERS COME TO NO HARM.

Do I love you? 3

I fiddled with my phone. After the proposal debacle at the airport, I didn't know what to say to Ardaas. Should I act completely nonchalant about it or rake up the issue. Earlier too our friendship was strained by awkwardness or a little lull but it survived , why shouldn't it now. How bad could it go. With these doubts and self assurances, I called him. His phone rang... and rang... and rang before finally going to the voice mail. I had left him 5 voice mails, three times that day and I didn't get a single reply to any of it for a long, long time. Okay, so he wants to sulk, Mr. Ardaas Randhawa you could take all the time in the world, meanwhile I should get my things done.
In the following days, my classes started. I definitely enjoyed them more than any other I had before. It turned out my fears of living in a new country were unwarranted. The new friendships that were forged helped me slip in to the groove easily. One of my friends was Logan Ryan, yeah the same that hit me with football. He wasn't that quiet guy I had thought him to be, he was a riot of a person. He had an infectious laughter that came too easily. He was witty,carefree and charming. Together with Ciara, Liam, Justin and Juan Diego we initiated a string of memorable times.
On 13th of September, we all went out to celebrate Logan's birthday. We went to one of those famed Irish pubs that sprung like mushrooms all over Dublin and drank ourselves to inhibition. Here I would like to point out that I was more sober than others but it did not stop me to have one hell of a time.We sang along the karaoke until we were hoarse. On return to the campus, the others returned to their rooms but I was asked to stay back by Logan. He wanted to take a walk. On sensing my supposed apprehension, he assured me, "I swear, I'll behave, you on one side of the road, I on the other."
"I'm not worried about that." I said feigning offense. "Lead."
We walked in silence "Some quiet." He said, taking in a breathe of relief.
"It's surprising coming from you. You don't seem to be the one of those people who appreciate quietude." I said disbelievingly, "But then Hey ! Who complains."
"I can be quite with the right person like I am now."
"I'm so honored." I said with a mock gratitude."Speaking of the right person, have you found yourself one, as in 'The One' in Ciara ?"
"What ???" he asked in a high pitched voice. "What makes you think so ? Though harmless flirting has never hurt anyone. Has it ?" He winked.
"There's something brewing between you and Ciara. She can't stop herself gushing over you."
"I've eyes for someone else."
"Ooh... The Casanova."
"Not exactly."
"Who's it ?"
"Someone."
"You know I'll have the truth from you someday."
"If things look up, you'll definitely know, you'd be the first one to know."
We talked and walked for half an hour more before we called it a night.
Before going off to sleep, I checked my phone. 4 missed calls from Ardaas. I called him. It had hardly rung before he answered.
"Hello."
" Hey." I put in all the cheer I could gather inspite of my exhaustion.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't answer you. I had to go to a medical camp. There was a flood and I had to attend the patients, the place was well off-the-grid, so there was no way I could receive the calls. As soon as I received them, I called you. I hope you're not angry."
"No of course, I'm not.You're a Doctor. Emergencies and 100% dedication is a part of your life." To speak the the truth I had been angry, but after knowing the reason for him being incommunicado for this long, it fizzed out.
"I'm glad you understand." I knew he smiled with relief. "Where were you though when I called ?"
"I had gone out with friends to celebrate a friend's birthday."
"Did you drink ?"
"How do you know ?"
"Well, I've heard you gab for so many years. I know how you sound and now you sound drunk."  he added "You were out so late." This sounded like me being told off.
"No, I came early. I went on a walk with Logan."
"Logan... Hmm... And you were drunk." His voice rose with each syllable "You've got no regard for your personal safety."
"He is a good person." I said defensively "He wouldn't have done anything."
"How can you be so sure ? How long have you known him ?  A month or so."
"A month is enough..."
He talked me over," Look, just be careful, I don't want you getting yourself in trouble. I don't want to fight now."
"Fine." And his was the final call and thus ended what could have been an argument.
"Have you thought about the proposal ?" He asked.
"Yes, I have."
"And the answer is..." He prompted.
"I said I thought about it, I still don't have an answer."
"So that's a no."
'No." I protested
"No ???"
"It isn't a no." I clarified. "It isn't a yes either."
"Shaurya, you can be truthful about it. Like you I wouldn't let anything come between our friendship. Not even my love for you. You've helped me through my other heartbreaks. I hope you would pull me out through this one too."
"I don't intend to be one of your heartbreaks." I was in despair, the last thing I would want to do is hurt Ardaas. "Ardaas, can we put this on hold until I come back to India ?"
"This winter vacation ?"
"No, I don't think I would be able to make it this vacation. This course is of only 1 year, I would only come when it's over. So maybe July of the next year."
"I guess I don't have a choice other than to wait..."
"Till then let us keep things as it is... Bye. Goodnight."

To be continued....

.

Do I love you? 2

I was woken up by the sunlight streaming in. For a few moments I felt disoriented, I couldn't remember where I was, and then it all came to me. Trinity. Dublin. Ireland.
I broke into a big grin. A little smug of myself... I dreamt of it and here I am.
The sky although bright had ample amounts of white fluffy clouds. The sun played hide and seek in them.One could see the literal silver lining of the cloud. I decided to take a morning walk to get acquainted with the campus. Last night I had hit the sack as soon as I reached my room, of course, after calling my parents to let them know I was doing fine. Now is the time to explore...
The place was B-E-A-utiful. 16th century buildings, well kept lawns and Boy ! Was it huge.
I was still ambling when, WHAM !!! A football hit me right on the head.
The impact was so intense that it had my ears ringing for seconds and my vision blurred but I could make shapes running towards me. I didn't know I had hit the ground but did when I realized people were trying to get me on my feet. There were many voices asking the same question, "Are you alright ?"
I could feel myself nodding in assurance, but it felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I knew what I was doing but I didn't feel doing it.
"Are you alright love?" This voice brought me back to immediacy. I looked for the person. Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, cleft chin but a face with a perturbed look on it. "Are you alright love ?" he asked me but this time handing me a bottle of water.I had a query in my head, why was I being referred to as 'love'. I wanted to ask him but I just nodded again.
"I am so sorry. The ball went out of the grounds. I didn't mean to." He said ardently.
"It's okay. I strayed too close to the football grounds. I should have been more alert."
I turned to go.
"Wait..." He called out. "I feel very sorry for ruining your morning. Is there any way I could redeem myself."
"No... It's fine." Honestly, a crowd was starting to form and I wanted to get away as quickly as I could.
"Let me walk with you to your destination. Where are you going, by the way ?"
"The dormitories." I muttered.
"Good... Let's walk to the dormitories. I have had enough of football for the morning."
"Okay... Let's." And we did, veering away from the crowds.
"I am Logan Ryan, by the way." He extended his hand for a shake.
"I am Shaurya Suri." I said shaking his hands.
"Your name is an alliteration." He said and as if to explain why he made this observation, he added, "M.Phil Creative Writing. Literature lover and a grammar geek."
"And your name rhymes. M.Phil Creative Writing, same here." I smiled.
"Ohh... So we are classmates." He inferred with a reciprocating smile. "I am afraid I won't be able to get your name right. I have heard it for the first time in my life." His grin turned apologetic.
"It is an Indian name." I interjected, to provide him with an excuse for his inability to pronounce my name.
"Ohh... India. I am from Mullingar..." I looked at him questioningly, "Ireland." He said answering my question.
"OK." An Irish guy. We walked in silence for a few minutes. "Excuse me, I have a question to ask." I said to break the awkwardness of silence but more importantly to have my query answered.
"Go right ahead."
"Why did you use word love back there, when you asked me if I was alright."
He looked at me quizzically, as if I had asked in which direction does the sun rise from.
"I have heard it for the first time." I explained.
Comprehending my question, he answered, "This is a term of endearment often used around here, like dear. I hope I have not offended you, I am not familiar with Indian customs." His face turning perturbed again.
"No, no... I was just curious."
He gave a smile of relief. "It seems we have a lot to teach each other. I need to pronounce your name correctly, but it would have to wait for some other day because we have reached the dormitories."
I looked around, indeed we had.
"Okay, so I gotta let you go..." but he lingered, "I can't emphasize how sorry I feel for hitting you with the football."
"You didn't mean to..." I said climbing the steps while he stood at the bottom. "Don't beat up yourself about that." I smiled to convince him.
"If you say so... See you later in the class love." He winked and turned on his heels.
"Sure."
Good weather, hit by a ball on the very first day and the classes didn't start until tomorrow. How would the classes be like. Going by the incidents of the morning, I would deduce it would be normal, good with a bit of bad. But first I need to call Ardaas, check on him and check if my mitigation efforts were successful

To be continued...

Do I love you? 1

"I love you Shaurya...", he whispered in my ears. My arms around Ardaas slackened, I stood frozen in our 'goodbye-hug'. There we were, at the airport, with people milling in and out. He had come to see me off, for I was to leave for Ireland. The abrupt confession had made me incapable to think for few seconds.When it finally sunk in, I broke away from the embrace. I saw apprehension in Ardaas' eyes, I assume induced by the incredulity that I conveyed. My best friend, my platonic best friend proposing me, right now, here. Of course I would be shocked.
"Did you say what I heard you say ?", I asked.
"Depends on what you heard.", he replied.
Why does he has to be this thick in moments like these. I felt myself bristle. " Do you love me ?"
"Yes I do. Do you ?"
"Dude, couldn't you find a better time to drop this bomb?" I regretted my choice of phrase, bomb-airport don't go well. I hope nobody heard me. I rephrased, "You think this is the best time to confess your feelings for me ?"
"Well... I wanted to do it earlier but I couldn't muster the courage and you were busy with your PG applications."
"You couldn't find time in the last 7 years to tell me you love me, but finally do when I am about leave the country. Yeah... I totally get the logic." His face fell because of my sarcasm. I mentally punched myself in the arm.
" This could be my last meeting with you. Who knows, when you're in Dublin, you might fall for a nice Irish guy. What would be the use of me telling you this then ?"
"The same use that I had when I said I love you 5 years ago and you loved somebody else."
"Ohh... you still have that grudge against me but if you could love me 5 years ago, you would still love me now. Wouldn't you ? Don't you ?"
"I don't think so... I put in a lot of effort to undermine those amorous feelings that I had for you. The hurt was too overwhelming at times but I promised myself, I wouldn't let anything come between our precious friendship. Neither my love for you, nor your love for someone else. I am not sure if I feel the same way about you as I used to do earlier..." My voice faltered.
He took in a long breath as if steadying himself for what he was about to say, "So the answer is a blunt no."
"I have no answers to give and I don't have the time to think about the answer I want to give. We will talk about it later. I got to go."
"Yes, I know. I wish for you to stay but I don't expect you to stay. Good luck for the future, become a famous writer. Goodbye."
"I'm just going for PG, I'm not going for a war. ' I'll come back when it's over. No need to say Goodbye.' " I sang la Regina Spektor from her song 'The Call'.
"So am I forgiven for the proposal debacle? I'm sorry." His voice exuded his earnestness.
"And I'm Shaurya." I said extending my hand in a mock introduction. "You were, you are and you'll always be my best friend Ardaas. Nothing in the world can change that. Adios Amigo."
I waved and entered the airport hoping I mitigated the debacle.
     I was woken up by the air-hostess telling me we are about to land in Dublin. All through the way to Heathrow, London I was anxious about leaving everything familiar but once I boarded the flight to Dublin I could give some thought as to what happened with Ardaas. I have to think about it later. Now the anxiety came back again. New country, new people, new life awaits... God give me strength."

To be continued...

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