On one such winter, Logan and I embarked on a road trip across Ireland. As the days had turned colder, the bond between us had become warmer and stronger. Our shared love of travel led to the trip. The barrenness was soothing as we drove along the countryside.
"You know, I, my brother and my Dad used to take these kind of trips." Muttered Logan, lost in nostalgia. "We weren't overtly affectionate but these drives helped us bond." Turning to me Logan said, "What about you ? I know India too has got some great places. Where have you been with your family ? I am sure you had great time with them."
"Family..." I gave a derisive snort. " They showed their love by spending money on me and I showed my love by spending as less as I can. That's the only display of affection we were capable of."
Logan gave me quizzical look. At times like these I wish my self censorship was efficient.
"Eyes on road, Logan. We don't want ourselves on top of a willow."
"Yes. And you were saying..." He prodded.
"Let's not go into grim things." I smiled dismissively.
We drove in silence for a few minutes, then Logan spoke gently. "Actually, let's go into grim things and tackle them. What ails you, love ?"
I sat calculating my next move. Should I or Shouldn't I ? I had never treaded these paths with anyone except Ardaas. Can I extend the same courtesy to Logan ? In spite of my apprehension, i decided to be confessional. Something about Logan aided me to be. For the next couple of hours or so, I spoke. I spoke about the emotional abandonment that had pervaded my existence. I spoke of Ardaas who alleviated this state. At the end of my tirade I was in tears and to some extent embarrassed.
"I am sorry Logan." I sniffled.
"What for ?" He said consoling. " Look at me..."
"No. Don't. I am such a mess right now." I turned away from him.
"Mess... I thought we were untangling you." He brought the car to a halt on the side of the road and cupped my face. "Look at me...You are a woman of strength, courage and dignity. One who values herself and fights for what she believes in. A woman who won't give up on her dreams regardless of how many obstacles stand in her way. If that doesn't make you beautiful and magnificent, I don't know what does."
At this little speech, I felt a strange yet familiar tug at heartstrings. I had longed to hear and feel what I did now.
"And now we enter Mullingar... Home sweet home." Logan smirked.
I could see where Logan got the warmth and vivacity from. In no time I was ensconced in his family comprising of his parents, his brother, his sister-in-law and his baby nephew. I was glad to be part of their Christmas and New Year revelries.
On the last night of our stay at Logan's home, Logan and I sat on the terrace, star gazing.
"Back to Dublin tomorrow." Logan sighed. "We have to drop Mum at the airport. She leaves for London."
"Ohh... Has she got some work there ?"
"No." He smiled. "She stays there."
"Your mother stays in London, your Dad here. It must be irksome for them."
"Why should it be ? They have been living like this ever since the divorce."
"Ohh... I didn't know. It didn't seem like..."
"They are divorced." Logan finished the sentence for me. "Yeah, they do a pretty job at appearing otherwise. They were best friends, or so people say. Marriage was inevitable but the problem was they could never give each other the rights of a spouse. The froze at being just friends. They started resenting each other. They resented me and my brother. They resented anything that had to do anything with their marriage. For the greater good, they separated. They fell out of love...." After some minutes of rueful silence, he added " I hope we don't fall out of love."
"Huh !!!" It already was too much to take in without the firecracker he just burst.
"Oh... My bad. That was non-sequitur. I love you, Shaurya. I hope we stay in love."
"Huh..." I sounded dumb but in my defense I was in a state of disbelief.
"Oh ! Come on ! Haven't you felt something... something more than friendship between us."
"I did but I thought..." I was talked over by Logan.
"I had told you, if I was ever in love, you would be the first one to know. So here I let you know, I love you."
I always knew, even before I had met Logan, if I end up with anybody it had to be someone precisely like Logan. Logan came and gave a name and a face to my desires and aspirations. At that moment I knew, I just knew, the answer couldn't be anything else but, "I love you too."
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Five months out of the college and I was an assistant editor at a publishing house and Logan was the content editor of a lifestyle magazine, working at two opposite ends of London. Our work schedules gave us much less time, than we liked, to be with each other.
I sat at a Parisian style cafe waiting for Logan for a date.
"Shaurya Suri." Someone called out to me, which didn't sound like Logan at all.
"Ardaas Randhawa... Remember me ?" I was surprised to see Ardaas beaming few tables away from me.
"You... How come you're here ?"
"I am fine. Thank you for asking." he rolled his eyes. "I had a medical convention here and also I came to take you back since you weren't..."
"Missed you so much love..." Logan gathered me in a swept-off-the-ground hug and let go off me with a kiss. I hadn't noticed Logan coming. He flopped in the chair next to mine.
I glanced at Ardaas' baffled face. I was just about to explain myself when I saw realization flit across his face.
"Why didn't you tell me about your boyfriend Shaurya ?" He seemed calm but I could sense the cold fury simmering. "Why didn't you tell me ?" He added more forcefully this time.
"I had been waiting for your answer since last year. I had wanted a simple a answer. Either a yes or no. I repeatedly told you, your no wouldn't change anything." He dropped all pretense of calmness now. "I am a fool. I'm a fool for interpreting your silence as indecisiveness. I hoped your indecisiveness would tilt to a yes, weighing all the things we have been through together. I hoped for us, but I got this." He motioned his hand indicating Logan and me. "Why ?" He looked crestfallen.
I couldn't answer him. I was squarely at fault.I could never muster the courage to discuss the change with him.
"You could have told me at least for the sake of friendship. We are... No... No... We were friends." He approached me with a menacing stride, but he was interrupted by Logan.
"Mister..." Logan's voice was both placating and reproachful.
"I advise you to stay out of it. You know nothing about us." Ardaas growled.
"I know everything that has transpired between you two." Logan retorted.
"Wow...Shaurya." Ardaas looked flustered. "You could discuss me with him but you could not mention him to me. I am not wrong when I say we were friends. That's my place and thanks for showing it to me."
Ardaas left the place in a huff and that was the last I saw or heard of him for a long while.
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"Chocolate, it is." I said with an air of finality.
"Good Lord ! Shaurya, this is cake is for a wedding not a 7 year old's birthday. Let's have alternate layers of rum and orange."
I shook my head in disapproval.
We were at a confectionery, deciding on our wedding cake, a week away from the wedding day.
"Or..." Logan continued " We could have alternate layers of orange and chocolate."
I mimed barfing.
"Come on ! What person doesn't like the combination of orange and chocolate." exclaimed Logan.
Before I could comeback with a saucy answer, my phone rang.
"Hello, Miss Shaurya ? Dr. Raman here. Your friend and my colleague Dr. Ardaas had an almost fatal car accident. I thought I should inform you, since the two of you are good friends. If you could come down to be with..."
" I am coming." I rushed out with a confused Logan at tow.
"You will come back. Right ?" Logan asked gingerly while helping me with my bags. He had come to see me off at the airport as I was leaving for India to see Ardaas.
"I don't see any other way of this panning out than me coming back." I reassured him. "Let the cake be chocolate and Au revoir mon amor." I kissed him goodbye.
To be continued...
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