Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

What was the first thought that occurred to you when you read the title of this post ?
The Jim Carrey-Kate Winslet starrer movie. The one where they both undergo a memory-erasing procedure,to forget each other, to survive heartbreak. Meet as strangers and love each other once again.
Or maybe you pondered for a while, deducing that a mind devoid of bother, untainted, spotless is one that is coveted.
For a while,  I've been thinking, how good it would be if I forgot a certain part of my life, a short section. You know, hit my head somewhere and after some serious first-aid, Poof ! It vanishes. I am of the opinion that, that period was unnecessary. One, I could have done without. But it did happen and there's no undoing it but also tweaking the memory won't hurt anybody. Would it ?
Another reason which  makes me want a futuristic ( or is it ? ) memory-erasing session is to forget A Certain Person .
I can hear you go "Oh My God ! Another post on sad heartbreak ! Grow Up ! Stop with the moping ! There's plenty of fish in the sea. Gee."
Yes, I know there's plenty of fish in the sea but I had my heart set on a particular one. Maybe with time I'll move on. Laugh at this episode but that time hasn't come yet. Therefore, I write.
I've contemplated forgetting that Certain Person, go on with life, do away with comparisons between the people I meet and that Certain Person. Like somebody, paving the way for 'happily-ever-afters'
The glitch is he has set a benchmark, a high and ideal one at that. The way I opened up to him, I doubt if I would open up to anybody. It took a LOT of courage on my side [ And when I put a word in uppercase, I, sure as hell, mean it.] to do this.
Not much prying was done, a simple question was asked, "Are you okay ?".

I had never been asked that by anybody, never with the intent to listen and remedy. Maybe it was meant to be, maybe I was too tired to hold it back anymore, so I poured out. It felt good to answer, "No. I don't feel okay because..." 
It is said that the best kind of love is unconditional; where there is no expectation of reciprocation but I think Love begets love. That's why I fell in love with him and I can say this without a moment of doubt.
Retrospecting, maybe I misconstrued pity or genuine friendship as love. Whatever it was, that kind of brooding is beyond me, I was (am) in love.
Fate had some other plans. To shorten it, I love(d) him, he didn't.
Not wanting to lose a good (The Best) friend, I thought I can take it in a stride and I did, for a while.
But unrequited love got the better of me and in a la Deepika Padukone style
"Agar main do minute aur rahi, toh...toh mujhe tumse pyaar ho jaayega... phirse... aur tumhe nahin hoga... phirse."

I told him we couldn't be friends anymore.
I woke up next morning and the first thought that crossed my mind was "I won't be talking to him anymore."
This shouldn't have been the first thought on Christmas.

In the aforementioned movie when the memory-erasing technicians start on Joel (Jim Carrey) to erase his memories of Clementine (Kate Winslet) , he realises he doesn't want to part ways with her and does everything he can hold onto her. 
While I was going through the messages we exchanged, intending to delete them and with time 'Unfriend' him. It dawned on me we were more than a love not reciprocated.
We were/are friends and Love is too trivial a thing to let it come in way of friendships.

I found an excerpt by Ray Croft which fits the situation at hand like a glove.
' I love you not only for what you are but for what i am when I am with you.
 I love you not only for what you have made of yourself but what are you making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out. '

I love him for the part of me that he brought out. I cannot undo this now. I accept, love and cherish myself. If I were to forgo and forget the experience, I wouldn't be able to do that. 
In a time when I felt lost he wanted my happiness more than I wanted to be happy. It was nice to have someone to talk to, who didn't dismiss my thoughts, with whom I could have a conversation where I could be understood and even if not understood, I was acknowledged.
He was my go-to person whenever I heard a song that affected me intensively and till now I can't enjoy a song as much as I would have if I haven't shared the song with him. He was my music buddy.
I had to share a good news with him because his sincere joy at my happiness multiplied my happiness.
This wasn't hunger for validation by someone else, it was joy of sharing at its best. 
It seems it was the start to some sort of therapy.
A genuine and nurturing friendship is always appreciated. 
Why would you let such a friend get away ?
But I did and there's no undoing that either.
The kind of person he is, he doesn't deserve a friendship of convenience

But I also know, I would cherish him till time ceases to exist and whenever you, the reader meets me, know that I was fortunate enough to meet him altering me thus...

I don't need sunshine, his name literally means ' The Sun ' .
My personal sun.

I end this post with a poem

                                             BECAUSE

Because you're the one... that came closest to the definition of a 'soulmate'
Because you didn't feel the same
Because I had no obligation to suffer
Because you deserve friendship and love in its purest form.

                                                                                                                               - Nikita

A Night Unlike The Ordinary

The television shutting down rather than the rolling thunder woke up Tamanna. She had been dozing off waiting for Abhas, her husband. Freelance writers don't have stipulated timings as civil engineers do, but today he was late than usual.

She sat trying to readjust her eyes to the darkness. She would have kept candles handy were it not for her nyctophillia but tonight had an ominous feel to it.

The day didn't have a good start either. Frictions of married life led to frequent fights. This was one of those days, preceded by weeks of similar days.He was gone, even before she was awake. Tamanna didn't like it. They were childhood sweethearts, their story made most people go "Aww..". How they started as playmates when toddlers, became friends, got separated due to transfers, met & went their own way again, crossed paths and somehow realized that their paths and destinies are intertwined.

The doorbell ringing brought Tamanna to the immediacy. She hurt her foot while crossing the living room, she made a mental note to keep candles and matchsticks in every room at convenient places.

Putting the cheer in her voice and smile she opened the door, " Good to see you. I was so worried... this thunderstorm, I thought you would be stuck up at the site. Get in quickly before you get more sick. You don't take care of your health at all. Why do you have to stand in the rain and work. Now suffer from a sore throat . Come in. Ohh... sorry. I was blocking your way." She moved out of the way. " Close the door after you."

"Why don't you say something ? Are you still angry ? I'm sorry. Even though I think it wasn't completely my fault. It would help if you're a little bit more communicative. For the past few months we haven't spent time together at all. I miss us. I know we are past those chocolates and flowers phase but you know... it would help if we both put in an effort... to be those persons we fell in love with..."

Tamanna's speech was interrupted by Abhas' wheezy coughing.

"Your throat is getting worse. Let me make some chicken soup for you. I think it would help... Wait... Is it because of your throat that you're quiet... Huh... Most probably... Let me quickly make the soup... but still need to be more communicative... Phones are working in this storm... Would you answer the phone... Abhas I said, would you please pick up the phone."

Tamanna's disembodied voice from the voice mail spoke * Leave your message, Abhas and I are unable to answer you. We will get back to you ASAP.*

Abhas static voice came from the other end "Hey Tamanna,. Sorry I got stuck on the site due to this rain. Don't wait up for me. I will come home as soon as the rain slows down. Lock the doors and windows. A convicted killer is on the loose in the city. I feel really worried. I wish i could be there. Just make sure you lock yourself up in the house. I'll call when I get home or knock five times. Don't open up for anyone else without verifying... See you later." 

Tamanna froze with fright... the lit candle in her hand cast a light upon the person sitting on the sofa.

She now remembered the news broadcast, that she hadn't paid much attention to... "Killer on the run..." She had expected the killer to be a person with a scarred face, wearing a trench coat but the person in front of her looked like a perfect gentleman, he could have easily passed off as a student fresh out of college, had it not been for the maniacal smile he gave as he advanced towards her.

The next day news headlines flashed, "Killer killed" alongside a pixelated image of a slashed body. There sat in the corner a shivering Tamanna, with Abhas comforting her. Police reports say that it was an act of self defense. a kitchen knife was used. There are clear signs of struggle by the survivor and evidences indicate attempted sexual assault. The survivor says she was in the kitchen about to cut chicken, when she was attacked, in the tussle to protect herself she had to use the knife, she didn't mean to kill but wound so she could buy herself some time, get out of the house and alert the neighbors. She meant to disable him temporarily, so she went for the face. With the inflicted wounds the face is beyond recognition, but the clothing suggests it is the escaped convict.

He turned away from the tea shop, from the people watching the news. Last night was fun. He had just meant to shake the police off his trail. He went into the house, looking for a place to hide. If he was caught by the owners, he would simply knock them out. He was past those trigger happy days. He wanted a fresh start. He would do everything to keep himself out of jail. But the lady of the house had put up a fight, and the noise brought a passerby. In the struggle to overpower him, the stranger was killed. Who is to say who killed the innocent. It was easy to convince it was the lady of the house who killed. It was quite a confused tussle. Not wanting to be embroiled in a criminal case, he gave her an escape route. Let this incident be staged to look like his death. He gets to live his life, she gets to live hers. A settlement was reached. Even if it is later discovered it isn't him, the lady would still not be charged. After all, it was truly an act of self defense with  a wrongful casualty.